The Sober Sailor

Come one come all
These doors are open for any that call
Give rest to your weary legs
Take time and stay in one of my beds

Sit at this worn out bar
Stare into the ocean far
Pay no mind to that birds caw
He’s just mad the dog got him with a paw

Over in the corner is a rowdy crew
They’ll tell you about anything they do
Given they’ve had enough of the swill
Though they don’t have a limit they can fill

And over on the stool sits a lonely man
He spent his life doing all he can
Granted he’s a once a week fan
He drinks what he can for a small span

By the door the strays have gathered
They aren’t hurting anyone for no matter
Some get lucky and go to a forever home
Some come back because they hate the alone

Out back we have our billowing tower
The meats get smoked with no power
We all call it the best meat around
No one can match it in this small town

If your hungry I’ll fix you a large plate
No no don’t worry about the cost
Just tell us a story that may have been lost
Here you are just another crew mate

Oh that old ship up on the wall
Well that’s a tale of someone tall
His ship is to remain forever encased in glass
His soul remains but he has long since past

You want to know about me more
There isn’t much else to me pass that door
Everything you see is a tale of me
A life of the sailor I used to be

What made me settle down and set up shop
My old legs couldn’t stand the oceans chop
I set anchor out back drinking away my woes
Drunk watching my old sails as the wind blows

One day a storm came in without warning
The sea was unforgiving on that morning
In a drunken state I tried to get up and around
I woke the next day with her run aground

That’s when I decided what my fate would be
I would build a tavern for those like me
Anyone who used to live a life of freedom
Giving a safe place to remember with rum

Well I appreciate the offer to share a mug
But I don’t think I want to be bit by that bug
So I’ll keep with my tea and view of the sea
But don’t be afraid to ask anything of me

Just remember to have a good time and smile
If you don’t need to leave you can stay a while
We are even open when the weather isn’t fairer
All are welcome here at The Sober Sailor

Give it up

Turn around and walk away
You don’t want to live this way

It may seem like it takes you off the ground
But look at your life and all you have around

The bottle
The cigarette
The pill
The fix

No matter what you do
No matter where you go
It will hold you hostage
It is nothing but garbage

But my past
But my stress
But I have the cash
But I become the best

Don’t fall to these illusions
You make these decisions
They are only abusive
They become more intrusive

Just one drink
Just one cigarette
Just one pill
Just this one time

Before you know it
You’re going through it
You’ll say you just feel off
But it’s called withdrawal

Next thing you know
Your going places you’d never go
All because of just one time
Feeling like you might just commit crime

Anything for another
Drink
Cigarette
Pill
Fix
You’ve begun going under

Take a look in the mirror
Stare until it gets clearer
Understand what you’ve done
Accept what you’ve become

Addicted

Your family left a while ago
Your work can’t stand the smoke
You lost your car to repo
You can’t breath and begin to choke

You ended up living on the street
Homeless with nothing to eat
All because you wanted another drink
You should have just poured it down the sink

Walking into work from your car is tough
Winded and gasping air has you feeling rough
You light another and inhale deep
The pain in your lungs has started to increase

Paranoid in every room you walk inside
Feeling every eye stare at you from the side
Your heart races faster and skin gets colder
The sweats kick in while you try to act normal

In a dark alley that you don’t know
Meeting someone for the first go
Suddenly your face down on the ground
Hand cuffed for trying to buy drugs in town

Your entire life changed
All because you wanted a change
Something to help you with the stress
Never realizing you would give up the rest

Addiction is a disease
But it starts as a decision
You’ll wish you didn’t do it
Truth is that most don’t make it through it

I’ve been in the bottle
I’ve inhaled that smoke
I’ve swallowed those pills
I’ve gone to find that fix

Most just get by
Others try to survive
Some lost their lives
But I made it out alive

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please seek out assistance. There is no shame in asking for help. Peace, love and sobriety to you all.

A Writer’s Casserole

As many of you know, I just published my first novel back in the middle of January. However, I’m sorry to say this, we have a problem. Only four people knew about this project and it was kept behind closed doors and locked tight. But now I am so excited to announce the news. I am overwhelmed with joy to give you all something new. It is a anthology of poetry I have selected from a long list over the past Eight years. Carefully mixed together and baked to create a tasty dish for you all to enjoy. With no further delay, here it is. I present to you my second novel, “A Writer’s Casserole”.

It is available on Kindle and in paperback!

As the camera rotates

A story of sobriety.

No surprise you found me
I came home and you were there
All around in the room waiting
I shouldn’t be shocked about this day

The monster in my closet has awoken
It’s beating on the door to be open
It knows my world is in danger
It only knows hate and anger

But I can’t focus on that
The enemy is here in the room
They’ve tied you to a chair
You have been targeted for doom

The clock is ticking on the vest
A bomb they have strapped to your chest
That closet door won’t hold long
I have to defuse this before more goes wrong

How they got inside I do not know
We need to run but have nowhere to go
I can’t believe this happened in our home
The craft on this bomb is unlike any known

Quickly calming your mind of the stress
I’ve done this before but I’ve never seen this
Looking at its build closely to stop the time
This design of the bomb is one of mine

How could my own work deceive me
Who would have access to my own crime
The closet door creaked open freely
The monster inside could always get to me

Behind me stood a bigger problem
The monster I locked away is free
Getting him back in isn’t an option
I have to handle it with caution

And so the camera rotates

Sitting on the bench in a courtroom
Judged by twelve who never pushed a broom
I did what I had to during those times
I’ll never be prosecuted for my crimes

Never once did I leave a trace of evidence
I planned everything out with persistence
No cameras caught me in the act
No one knew if what I did was fact

The face of the judge is certain in his mind
He wants to throw me away this time
But there is distortion in his physical structure
The judge was taken over by this monster

Guilty on all charges presented
All in agreement of their decision
A life sentence passed without evidence
A conspiracy to get me locked from existence

Stood up and escorted out to the van
The monster jumping from face to face
I’ve been in worse situations at a faster pace
The van won’t make it there with this man

And so the camera rotates

Please you don’t want to do this
Take whatever you want from us
We won’t tell anyone or even the police
Just please leave us here in peace

Behind his ski mask I could see it
The face of a monster that taunted me
A person who has forever haunted me
I just wanted him to leave before we got hit

Ripping apart our house looking for something
He’s determined that we have it hidden away
Without telling what it is he keeps destroying
Frustrated with things not going his way

Certain I am keeping what he wants hidden
He turns on my wife to motivate my mind
Begging for him to stop before it’s unforgiven
What he’s looking for I don’t have this time

He shoots her and stares deep into me
Remember this the next time you steal
What I had with me he could never be
I know where he lives and wife sleeps

Now I’ll wait for him to get home
His wife tied to a chair strapped with a bomb
He took what I loved the most from me
I’ll hide in a closet while he tries to get her free

And so the camera rotates…..

Forever the cycle will continue
A constant war that will ensue

A man trying to save his family
His wife never knew him truthfully

A man on trial for crimes against humanity
His actions were driven by situational insanity

A man shattered by someone criminally ill
His revenge driven by loss of his own will

In this, the monster to me is represented in the form of alcohol.

The first segment in my mind is what it is like after having a horrible day and just wanting to relax. But you can’t go down that path. The thirst is a ticking time bomb that you have to defuse. The monster inside the closet is past that you have kept locked away. No matter how hard you try, you won’t ever run away from it. You have to face it and be cautious with it, know what it is and overcome it.

The second segment in my mind is what I depict as a relapse. You have slipped, you fell from your path and messed up. Now this sobriety that you have held onto for so long seems like a joke to everyone else. Let me tell you something, that is not true. We all mess up at times. Pick yourself up, brush your clothes off and keep your head high. Don’t let it dissuade you from your goal. Don’t let the substance be the judge of you. The courtroom is temporary, the time after is for you to decide freely.

The third segment, this one was hard for me. Sometimes you fight with your spouse, friends, family, coworkers or any one else. No lie, sometimes I feel it creep up behind me like a robber, ready to steal my sobriety. Even when this evil shows up in the face of the one I love the most, I can’t let it beat me. The moment I give up and let the robber take what they want, I’ve started down that path again. In life you will be subject to actions that are out of your hands. How you react is what matters more, if you give in, the robber wins. Let them toss your mind, trash your mental space and harass you. Eventually it will leave if you stay strong.

Don’t let the cycle continue.
Be the change your family needs.
They look to you to remain true.
You can only grow if you plant the seeds.

4 Years

It’s hard for me to sit here and think
That only four years ago this week
I was lost in my addiction to needing a drink

Never once thinking of what I was doing
I had a problem that had been brewing
My need to drink was doing my choosing

Now more clearly seeing these things
It’s something to think of so easily
I didn’t see that I was influenced heavily

Looking back at my confusing past
Not once stopping to throw it in the trash
I could have ended it all in a deathly crash

Year one was a blur
I hated being sober at first
I hated seeing others fix their thirst

Year two was a fight
I fought with bad thoughts endlessly
I fought with my reflection relentlessly

Year three was a stir
I tossed the idea around almost daily
I tossed my sobriety a coin to flip for me

Year four was right
I cleared my mind of drinking eventually
I cleared my mind of the negativity finally

It was hard to admit it from the start
To admit I had a problem rooted deeply
Seated in hatred for my life at certain parts
Convincing myself that this wasn’t so dark

Now four years down the road
I’m a better person for taking that route
Being happy with my life and growth
Not needing to have a drink for hope

I know the pain I’ve caused in the past
I’m not the same man that held that glass
I’ve grown into someone I’m happy to be
I have no interest in your thoughts of me

All I ask is for you to meet me in this new place
I don’t want forgiveness that’s two faced
I only want you to know me as I am today
No the drunken mess that I used to be

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please help them. Addiction is looked at as a choice, no lie, at one point it is. Then it evolves into something that the person only knows. Have patience with them, guide them to sobriety and support their decision. The worst thing that someone can do is finally get sober and then be bullied back to their addiction. Lord knows no one wants me back in the bottle, which is why I surround myself with those who know my struggle. If you have no one you can talk to, not enough strength to call the addiction line or go to a group, then come to me. I will be your strength, I will pick you up when you start fall, I will grab you when you feel yourself slipping, I will listen to you when no one else will and I will guide you on your journey through sobriety.
Peace, love and serenity to all.

Home(less)

Many things in this life get lost
But the worst of all is when it takes all cost
The ones who don’t have what others take most
The ones who can’t get by without needing a host.

You see them every day
You see them as they try and wave
You don’t understand what they went through
You don’t know what it’s like to be see through

That rough man standing on the corner holding a sign
He used to have a great life with a wife and a child
Tragedy took everything away from him without a sight
He sat up drinking in agony of the loss every night

That young girl sleeping on the park bench at night
She came from a broken home where her parents would fight
One night her father came in and beat her out of spite
She would rather sleep on the streets than live in fright

That elderly lady pushing a shopping cart on the street
She had a family and gave them everything so they could eat
Her husband passed and her kids didn’t want to pay for her treatment
She wanders everyday in search of finding someone who remembers her feats

That young man living in his SUV you see around
He once had visions of changing the world pound for pound
One day he came home to an empty house that was turned upside down
Look close enough to see pain in his eyes from putting his dreams in the ground

But what everyone failed to realize
That rough man could balance your books in the blink of an eye.
That young girl could set up your marketing platform in a single night
That elderly lady could make your clothing line go to the top with just a sign
That young man could design you the next big thing for humanity if given time

We all fall down from time to time
Some fall only a few inches
Most fall a few feet
Others fall a few meters

Those that are fortunate enough to have the money will gain those inches that instant
Those that are lucky enough to have friends will recover those feet with persistence
Those that have no money or friends will beg society for any kind of forgiveness

The next time you see someone on the corner begging for money
The next time you see someone sleeping on a bench in the city
The next time you see someone pushing everything they have tirelessly
The next time you see someone living out of their vehicle shamefully

Don’t turn your head away and ignore that they exist
Don’t scold them for trying to finally get some rest
Don’t harass them for being old and helpless
Don’t punish them for having their life in a mess

Instead give them a couple dollars and a place that’s hiring
Instead give them information to a roof and a safe bed
Instead give them a meal and a place that they can check in
Instead give them a pass on parking in that lot overnight

Those couple of dollars you give may make you think you’ll go to heaven
Those couple of dollars you keep to yourself may make you think you’ll go to hell
But to them everything you have is a heavenly life
To you everything they lost is a living hell

I’m not telling you to be a charity for them
I’m telling you to be someone to help this end

You have a home,
They have less.

If you can help or know someone who is talking about where they can go to help, please search out your local Salvation Army, Food bank or elderly care facility.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE!

© Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus, 2014-20–. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Hustle

Many of you know this
Some of you never noticed
I’m not the person I used to be
I’ve grown a lot if you could see

Many things have changed recently
I’ve spent time across the country
I changed the way that I view society
Finally I took hold of life responsibly

I work harder than I have before
I’ve beaten down paths never explored
I took what was right to heart and soul
I’ve made my own way after I left that door

I have twenty four hours just like you
I can’t stress enough how time works for you
You have to work it to your advantage
You need to work it so you can manage

I’m not saying everyone is capable of it
I’m sure many of you don’t care for it
Those of us who are driven by it
Those are the ones who deserve it

A wise man once told me to learn monopoly
It took a while to see what he wanted for me
Not only is he a wise man but he is worldly
I look to him as mentor on how to get my glory

I did what needed to be done to better myself
I paid a debt that gave me closure itself
It wasn’t easy but none the less it’s done
I’m able to move forward and finally have fun

I’ve put myself into a position that requires skill
It took years of working with fast pace thrill
I had to sacrifice time that I will never see
It gave me an opportunity to create for me

I’m not afraid to work the long rides
When it counts the most I work nights
If you’ve never known the worlds fright
You will never know what it’s like to fight

With two jobs to create constant income
I invested into things that have paid properly
Just like my mentor told me to with monopoly
A long term plan to solidify futures to come

After all of that I’ve still had time for passion
Many of you never find any form of expression
Mine helped me from very bad decisions
It keeps me from going into regression

Let’s not forget about the most important
The one who stayed when others wouldn’t
She saw the dream and stayed confident
Never once did she run when it got turbulent

One day job
Second shift at night
Three passionate novels
Four amazing years with the love of my life

Just to put the icing on top for you
I’ve got a host of projects around the globe
Many of them none of you will never know
You have to be involved to know what’s true

Don’t ever tell me their isn’t enough time
Don’t ever tell me you had to resort to crime
Don’t ever tell me that you don’t have the mind
Don’t ever tell me how you can’t fix your lives

If you want it, go out and just get it.
Hustle.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE!

© Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus, 2014-20–. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Two Steps From Relapse

I know I keep beating this same wall
I hope one day that it will finally fall

I’m sorry to keep bringing this up
But honestly
I’m so angry that I can’t just get a drink

There isn’t a day passing by
That I don’t think or cry
About the person I used to be
But never figured out why it was me

But I know I’m better for it now
Even when tempted by others in town
Even at events with party crowds
But I know I’m not going down

Let me tell you a story
Let me show you this glory
About a day not long ago
About a day I almost let it all go

I was walking into a store
A man looked at me with elusive eyes
“You look like you could use a drink”

He wanted me to step inside
He wanted me to put life aside
He didn’t know me from anywhere
He didn’t know how I much I cared

I stopped for a moment
I stopped for a millenium
“You don’t understand that war”
I wanted him to know how I think
I wanted him to know he shouldn’t speak

He took a step aside and opened his arm
“My friend, there is no war, only what you’re good for.”
He watched me shake my head
He watched me pull my mask from my face
“You don’t know what it’s like in that place.”

I was shocked by his resolve
He was annoyed at my resolve
“Here friend, this one is on me, go ahead and drink.”

I watched from outside my body
I watched my life crumble before me
I watched my love cry at what I was becoming
I watched me take my own life for what’s disgusting

I knew I had to fight to be free
“Unless you’ve been in a war”
He cut me off, adamant to get to me
“My friend I’ve seen many a war”
I could tell from his eyes he never saw people scream
“Then you should know how bad this is for me”
He pulled the bottle back to him
“You are no man of any war”
I didn’t care what he thought of me
“I’ve been to hell and back with that bottle before”
He shoved his poison back into the store
“Go away, you waste no more time at my door.”

I was trembling physically
I was terrified heartfully
I was confused mentally
I was crying internally

I walked through the store
like many times before
I felt all eyes on me
like what I did wasn’t ignored

I quickly exited the store
through the door I came in before
this man was pulling in another
I stopped and grabbed their attention
“Don’t do it brother”

The man at the door stormed away
The man walking to the door turned afraid
“I’ve been sober almost 4 months”
I reached out to meet his hand
“I’ve been sober almost four years”
The tear in his eyes gave away his dreams
“It only gets harder doesn’t it?”
I felt my eyes begin to welt as well
“You have to get stronger against it.”

We traded head nods and walked our separate paths
He stood taller as he walked inside the store
His wife hugged him like she hadn’t before
I traded everything in another life for that one drink

People don’t understand
What it’s like when your close to that door
People don’t understand
What it’s like to fight this war

I hope that man’s life is forever changed
I hope his wife sees how hard he’s trying
I know that my life has changed forever
I know that my wife knows how hard I’m trying

I would never put her through those times again
I would never betray her faith in my strength
I would never allow myself to be put through that pain
I would never give in to that which I was diseased

Deciding to get sober is meaningful
Getting sober is nothing but painful
Staying sober is only gainful

Please be understanding of sobriety
Please be patient with sobriety
Above everything else
Please be respectful of sobriety

Many of us are only a few steps into it
Many of us are only a few steps past it
As for me
I was only two steps away from relapsing into it.

*DISCLAIMER*
The term “War” is not used in the sense of a militarized war that those brave men and women have fought and are still fighting. I have nothing but respect for those who have given me the freedom to express these things by fighting for my freedom.
*DISCLAIMER*

COPYRIGHT NOTICE!

© Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus, 2014-20–. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Save Me

What I’m asking for is a lot
Most people wouldn’t help
But you’ve chosen to see
I want you to feel these words as part of me

If the weight of my words becomes too much
And the strength I carry begins to fade
Would you pick up the pieces of my work
Would you save me from making mistakes

If the money appeared in my account
And the world around me started to amount
Would you show me why I started writing
Would you save me from depressurizing

If the voices in my head take over
And the words spoken aren’t from me
Would you fight them to get me back
Would you save me from their attacks

If the bottle appeared in my hand
And the actions from it finally began
Would you take the bottle away
Would you save me from my old way

If the smoke poured from my lungs
And the smell clouded everything around
Would you shove me outside to be fair
Would you save me from this horrible air

If the thoughts inside my mind starved me
And the eating stopped abruptly
Would you cook for me to make me eat
Would you save me from becoming weak

If the insecurities I have began to raid
And the paranoia started to make me afraid
Would you comfort me in my time of need
Would you save me from my inability to see

If the tools in my hands turned to weapons
And the target victim was slowly becoming me
Would you talk me out of it and plead
Would you save me from myself if I’m in need

I know this is a lot to ask of one person
I know this is something you didn’t sign up for
I know this is going to take time to get right
I know this is something I want for our life

My words are my power
My words are my strength
My words are my canvas
My words are my paint

With these words I will do whatever it takes
But these words are an addiction I can’t shake
With these words I will make sure you are safe
But these words are a curse that can’t break

These words will make a reality of our plans
I ask in my time of insanity grasp what you can
Im only human and I’m trying as I stand
If you don’t want to save me then I understand

COPYRIGHT NOTICE!

© Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus, 2014-20–. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Contained Chaos

Disclaimer
What you are about to read is of a graphic nature, reader discretion is advised.

It’s an endless war
No matter what it’s for
The enemy strikes relentlessly
It’s attacks are timed perfectly

Your smell was always intoxicating
Your taste was what I craved the most
Your touch was soft and comforting

The next morning I hated your scent
The next morning I vomited from your taste
The next morning your touch hurt

I hate that I loved you so much
I wanted you and then wished you gone
I needed you but knew it wouldn’t work
I hate that I killed you but I love this freedom

I thought you had died, I was horribly wrong.

I was driving and she was asleep
Finally heading north to make things right
From out of the darkness you arrived
On the highway doing 95 at night
I wanted to stop but I pushed harder
Doing 110 I hit you with force
You vanished in the rear view
No trace was left of your corpse

I was weak and already defeated
You waited until my walls were down
I was no match for a second battle
You took the advantage I left open
I heard you open the door and step inside
You didn’t know how angry I was
Under the defeated feelings was a fire
You baited me out of the room with ease
I choked you on the floor till you stopped
No one knew another person died tonight

I was tired and ready for the day to be over
You got clever and tried to ambush me
I was aware of all your forms except this one
You took me by surprise this time around
I almost lost this battle to you as the sun set
You didn’t know my faith for the one I love
Your attempts outside a resort dock failed
I shoved you inside the back of that van
No one heard the screams as I cut you apart.

I was with her and her family when you came
You managed to work your way into them
I felt like I was alone with no back up
You got your first few punch’s landed
I brushed them off and you wouldn’t leave
You got comfy and decided to go outside
I walked outside to ask you to leave
You hit me again before I could speak
I threw you over the balcony that night
Your body hit the lake and sunk to the bottom

I was home and working on my book
You knocked on my door for once
I wasn’t expecting it to be you this time
You weren’t expecting me to answer either
We have done this battle over and over
I felt this wasn’t the right thing to do
You knew I had doubts about this
I knew I needed to stay strong this time
You thought you finally got into me
I knew your ego was blinding you
You didn’t know I had been plotting
I wanted you to feel like you won
You took a look around at what you’ve missed
I let you walk into my life one last time
You’ll never be to leave me again
I’ll keep you right where I want you
You can watch but never hurt me again

I’ll tell everyone you got out of town
I’ll keep you tied up and out of sight

I’ll sell everything you ever owned
I’ll use that money to make my world

I’ll call those you hurt and apologize
I’ll make sure you never talk to them again

The process of becoming sober and clean is a very hard thing to do when it was the only thing in life that kept you going. Life gets dark and takes you places you never thought you would end up. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse please know that it is ok to ask for help.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE!

© Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus, 2014-20–. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.