Killing to Change

If I’m going to do this then the only way is to bring everything to light.
The person I am today didn’t happen overnight.
There are bodies in my past that have never been found
People who have gone missing without a sound

The first person I killed,
A ten year old boy.
He never had a chance to be innocent
I suffocated him with cigarette smoke in a field.

The second person I killed,
A thirteen year old boy.
He never got a chance to live with joy
I got him addicted to drugs and he overdosed on a dark street

The third person I killed,
A seventeen year old young man.
He never knew how much everyone loved him
I forced him to take his own life in the middle of the night.

The fourth person I killed,
A twenty one year old man.
He never thought he needed anyone,
I made him live on the streets until he died of starvation.

The fifth person I killed,
A twenty four year old man.
He never saw what he had in front of him,
I drug him behind my truck in the mountains because he wouldn’t get sober.

In order for one to move on,
the old version of you must be gone.

If you decided to stay,
You will forever be tied to,
Your past ways,
Your past relationships,
Your past problems.

Only when you decide to move on,
Can you finally look back and see what was wrong.

Because of my past I have dealt with,
Things I wish I had never done,
People I wish I had never got involved with,
Places I wish I had never been to.

But nothing can change that now.

Would I go back and change if I could,
Probably not but nobody ever would.

You become the person you are from your past
You can’t run from it,
You can’t hide from it,
You can’t deny any of it.

Instead.

You can face it.
You can confront it.
You can learn from it.

Become the person you want to be,
Not the person you got blamed for being.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE!

© Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus, 2014-20–. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

$19.98 (Sobriety)

Keep the two cents
Everyone knows I lost mine to her scent
Twenty bucks and ill be drunk
Nothing else heals the pain
Time isn’t going to get me out of this slump
So I’ll sit and drink while I game

Night after night the same ritual
Day after day the same schedule
I didn’t know it was a bad way
Bills paid up and cash put away
Balancing two jobs and sleeping
Drinks between shifts and eating

Less than a mile from my place
Time for me to open that tallboy
Crack the top and take it to the face
One down and thrown out like an old toy
One right and two lefts and I’ll be home
Inside for the night and all alone

My apartment spins as I stumble
Down the hall to the fridge for another
Next one finished and I feel my stomach rumble
No time to eat tonight while I game with my brother
You want to go out to a bar tonight
I’ll pick you up in my car and you’ll be alright

The last call came and it was lights on to close
Paid for my drinks and went outside
The air was cold and felt like it might snow
Back in the car and I felt the tires slide
Neither one of us were sober
We knew it was over

Pause…
Flip tape…
Play…

I never got in that car after the bar closed
I never had anyone come over that night
I never drank that first one on the way home
I never stopped at the gas station
I never handed that twenty over

That twenty went into my truck payment
That gas station hasn’t seen me in years
That drink in my console was a coke
That apartment had someone waiting for me
That night I spent it on the couch with her

Sometimes I struggle with the reality of what I used to do
Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking back then
Sometimes I think about what my life would have turned into
Sometimes I still want to stop at that gas station for one

I know that if I wanted what was in front of me I had to change
I know when I was going through it that it was for the better
I know if I had continued down that path I would have been lost
I know that if I had been in that car that night I would have died

In the world we live in today, people that say they are sober are most of the time laughed at. They are treated like they are a problem and that society doesn’t need them or want them around. In reality, when someone decides to get sober its because they wanted to. They had the foresight to see where their life was heading and didn’t want to go that way. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please seek assistance. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has a 24/7-365 hotline that is free and confidential for anyone seeking help. 1-800-622-4357

COPYRIGHT NOTICE!

© Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus, 2014-20–. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Trenton Stalnaker and Around the block and on the bus with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.